Caution: Epic Failure

Have you ever had someone throw your past failures in your face? Have you ever felt like your past will never remain in the past? Do you struggle to step beyond who you were and step into who you are now?

Recently, I had a conversation with a young lady who made a series of not-so-great choices in the past. She has spent several years trying to move beyond the after-effects of the broken life that was a result of alcohol & drug use and in the end, time in prison. What an incredible joy to hear her tell of her successes in regaining her life. Her hard work shows. She has built a solid career, has a beautiful child and a new romance.  

She's put in a lot of effort to overcome her past and is the kind of person others can look up to. I admire her resolve to live her life well. Yet, the people closest to her see her through a different lens. Relatives have closed their doors and hearts to her and still she is regularly reminded by the ones who are supposed to love unconditionally that she "failed". In their eyes, she will always be the person she used to be.

I 'm so glad that God doesn't operate like most people. Scripture tells us in John 1:9, " If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." That's excellent news, but it gets even better! In Hebrews 10:17 he adds: “Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more.” Not only is God faithful to forgive us, but once we're forgiven, he remembers our sins no more! Oh how I wish humans could function like this. How beautiful to know that once we are forgiven, we aren't reminded by our Savior again and again of how we screwed up. It doesn't matter what the sin was, once it's forgiven is eliminated, wiped out, erased, GONE!

Nobody likes to be reminded of their failures. When we fail it's hard to believe we have any hope of success. At our lowest moments, we need someone to believe we can be better, not someone to reinforce that we fell short. Thankfully, we serve a loving God who loves us enough not to give up on us even at our lowest moment. Your failure(s) won't prevent God from finishing what He started in you. You can have confidence in God's words in Philippians 1:6:"he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

God won't quit on you. God's not done with you. You're not a failure. 

You. Are. His.

I'm sorry, I've got plans

I'm a planner. Excel & I are in an intimate relationship. I create to-do lists & experience unimaginable joy watching my progress as I skillfully accomplish & cross of each task. I feel a sense of accomplishment knowing that I have measurable success. If I'm feeling particularly uninspired, I write a list that includes tasks I've already accomplished & cross them off so that I can reassure myself that I am truly moving forward. I plan meal charts & grocery lists & exercise charts &budgets & even create travel itineraries that factor in Starbucks stops & meal locations. I like to know where I'm going & I need to have a plan of how I'm getting there.

The problem is, life can't be planned. Believe me, I've tried. But no matter how hard I try to create a spreadsheet for my life, it's never right. The route keeps changing, the tasks are unclear, I check one item off the list only to see a million more items show up. I plan for life to head one direction & instead it travels like a freight train out of control in another. I determine purposefully that I am going to accomplish a certain thing & that thing suddenly vanishes in front of me like a building that's swallowed up by a sinkhole.

The more time passes, the more panicked I become. I'm probably at least halfway through my time here on earth & my spreadsheet seems to be filled with incomplete tasks. I look back on my childhood dreams & goals & see so few of them actually realized. I want to live a life of significance & be a person of influence, yet most days my greatest accomplishments include getting out of bed, going to work & making dinner. Where am I headed? How did I get here?

“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:21

Anyone can make plans.

“But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.” Psalm 33:11

No one can override the plans of the LORD.

“Then Job replied to the LORD: ‘I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.’ ” Job 42:1-2

Whose plans do I want to follow?

I think it's time to crumple my to-do list & break up with Excel. Sorry Excel, I've got plans & they're not with you. "Hello, God - what do YOU want to do today?"

This is the day...

Once, as soon as, when...

I've lived my life by those words. Once I get married, then... As soon as I have children, then.... When the kids are in school, then... Once the kids graduate, then... As soon as the debt is paid off, then..

I'm a goal-oriented person. When I want to achieve something, I carefully chart a course of action to achieve my objective. For me, my daily life has been no different. I make lists, create schedules, and determine my objective. I feel a deep sense of satisfaction seeing my tasks checked off the list and knowing another day wasn't wasted - or was it?

Was my life really improved yesterday because my task list was completed? Did my circumstance improve because I created another 1-year budget complete with monthly calendars? Were my children truly blessed by a mother that was more concerned with completing her task list and presenting an image of perfection than truly being 100% present in their lives? If only I could go backwards and right all the wrongs and bask in the moments that I missed while looking forward to when...

While there's nothing wrong with planning, there's a serious flaw with my type of existence. By focusing my energies & efforts solely on the future, I'm failing to fully experience NOW. By failing to experience NOW, I'm missing out on the life I've been given while waiting to arrive at the life that I desire.

By trusting in my own plan, I'm missing out on God's plan.

Psalm 118:24 This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.

Today, not tomorrow. Present, not future. Not once, as soon as, or when - NOW.

Happy Birthday Alyson!

Twenty four years ago at this time, I was in labor eagerly anticipating the birth of my daughter. After months of expectant waiting, I was about to cross over into the unknown world of being a mommy. I had carefully prepared everything for her arrival. The nursery was properly decorated and supplied with everything necessary for my little princess to thrive. I had read the books and taken the classes to prepare myself to care for a newborn. I had expectations and hopes and dreams of all that her tiny, precious life would be.

At that  point in my life, I questioned everything. I wondered what she'd look like, what color would her hair be? Would she have a mild temperament? Would she sleep through the night? Would I hear her if she woke up? How would I know what her needs are? Would I be a good parent? Would I be able to provide for her needs? Would I be able to teach her right and wrong without making her hate me? Would I raise a child that would go on to achieve her own dreams or would I cripple her by forcing my own dreams on her?

I was instantly in love with my darling child and everything in my world turned upside down the moment I saw her sweet face. Suddenly, my wants and needs and hopes and dreams had very little to do with me and nearly everything to do with her. There was nothing in the world as important as that little girl.

Twenty four years later, that darling little girl is a grown woman who bears resemblance to her momma in looks, but holds a personality that is 100% her own. She is fiercely loyal, intelligent, adventurous, risky and fun. She cares deeply, lives life passionately, and will chew you up and spit you out if you wound her soul.

I thank God for the privilege of parenting. I thank God that in spite of my inabilities and screw ups, each of
my children turned out to be decent people. I thank God for each memory from infancy to Junior High (ok, maybe I'd like to forget a few of the Junior High memories) to College and beyond.

This weekend I celebrate Alyson's 24th birthday. Every single day I celebrate MY CHILD.

Called?

I was a 25 year old accounting student when I encountered Christ for the first time. Recently remarried and raising 2 small children, I was at the top of my class with plans to pursue the security of becoming a CPA. I was good with numbers and understood the concepts, however, once I surrendered myself to Christ, the desire to sit behind a desk and crunch numbers vanished. I wanted more. I wanted to impact the lives of others. I wanted to serve Christ with every fiber of my being. I wanted Him to call me into ministry more than anything.

I remember the first time I learned that the denomination I was associated with had a strict rule about people who were divorced and remarried being ineligible for ministry. I recall the condemnation that wrapped around my being like a heavy blanket as I realized that the very thing I desired could never truly come to happen because I encountered Jesus AFTER I experienced the "unforgivable" act of divorce & remarriage. I was that person. I was marked.  I was inadequate. I was unworthy. It was like a scarlet letter that I was forced to wear.

I had many desperate conversations with Lord about this injustice. I begged Him to call me and use me in spite of the horrible label I bore. I served him with everything I had, volunteering in every way possible and attending every bible study, church service, and Sunday School class I could in hopes of hearing His voice and earning His favor.

A few years later, my denomination began to relax it's standards for ministry qualifications to include those who were divorced and remarried PRIOR to their conversion. I was giddy with excitement at the prospect that perhaps God would see fit to call me now. I prayed, waiting in eager anticipation to hear His voice sending me into full time service yet all I heard was deafening silence. I begged, I pleaded, I waited. Nothing. Until one day my husband (who was the kind of guy that would rather die than have to stand in front of a group of people) came to me and announced that God had called him to full-time ministry. Him. Not me. I was excited. I was confused. I was eager with anticipation at becoming the pastor's wife. I was disappointed that despite my desire, God would rather use someone else. I was happy. I was angry. I was jealous. I was supportive. I was secretly wrapping myself in self-pity, convincing myself that somehow I was not sufficient for God.

With a mixture of a billion emotions, we packed the family and moved to another state so my husband could attend bible college. I landed a job at the headquarters of my denomination and began to feel like perhaps God was using me through my work there. I flourished in my newfound "ministry" role and began to dream again about the ways that God would use me. We jumped through the hoops of credentialing and eventually my husband was offered a position at a church in yet another state. Excited about the prospect of truly being in full-time ministry, we loaded up the family yet again and stepped into the role of Pastor & wife.

I loved the ministry.  My children & I were the worship team initially and it was such a blessing to lead worship with all 3 of my kids (on days that were weren't all about to strangle one another based on family dynamics). I taught children's church. I started women's groups. I cleaned the church and decorated the church and made coffee cake every Sunday morning. I determined finally that God was truly using me. Perhaps this was His calling. Maybe this was what I was created for.

As quickly as I settled into the role, it vanished. A marriage suddenly dissolved. A ministry rapidly taken away. My moment as God's chosen servant handed over for yet another scarlet letter. As a result of another person's choices, I now found myself divorced for a second time. My initially supportive denomination seemed to flee from me. The people whom I loved and had been ministering to became someone else's flock. The scarlet letter returned. I was unworthy of God's use. No matter how I longed for His calling, He obviously didn't want me in that capacity. I surrendered to the fact that spiritual greatness was somehow just outside my reach.

I wandered through many dark days, and sometimes still do. To be honest, I'm still coming to terms with where life has taken me. I don't understand all of the heartaches, disappointments and trials I've been through. Yet, when I open the bible, I find hope. I see the kind of people that God used. They weren't perfect. They actually were quite messed up. Their lives were in shambles and they were riddled by their own foolish decisions. Yet, God wasn't limited by their circumstances. He used them, right where they were, in spite of their sins, regardless of their qualifications. They impacted the world they lived in. They touched the lives they were part of. Many of them didn't see the result of the impact their life had on others. They were obedient. They were faithful. They were called. And so am I.

 
 Phillipians 2:12-18
Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.
Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

Harsh seasons

Lately I have been thinking a lot about fruit. Not about eating it or cooking with it, although I thoroughly enjoy both! I'm thinking on a much larger scale - I've been thinking about bearing fruit.

In the book of Matthew when Jesus teaches using the parable of the seed and sower, we see three constants (the seed =the word of God, the Sower =Jesus, the Fruit =what is produced from the seed that was sown) as well as a variable (soil=condition of the heart).

What's not mentioned here is the seasons that occur prior to the development of the fruit. Jesus likely used this parable as a relatable picture to an agricultural community. Planting & harvesting was something they understood. They grasped the process of growth and understood that seasons were a natural part of the process.

My dad and his friends are farmers. I've watched as they tirelessly prepare the soil, plant the seeds, nourish the plants and eventually harvest a bountiful crop that feeds many. I've also watched as they've lost almost entire crops to drought, flood or harsh weather with nothing in return for all their hard work.

Personally, I've gone through some rough seasons in my life. There have been times where I feel like I am nothing more than a battered scrap of a plant struggling to stay alive during a drought or a hard freeze, and during those times, I'm certain I don't resemble a lush fruit bearing plant, but my roots are firmly planted and I endure. During those seasons, I felt weak and at times I felt that I wouldn't be strong enough to endure, but eventually the harsh season would pass and I would emerge stronger and more deeply rooted, ready to bear fruit.

While on a winter hike through the Minnesota woods recently, I stumbled across a barren sprig of a plant that appeared to be completely dead. When I looked up however, on the high branches of this dead looking plant were a few handfuls of uncharacteristically bright red berries that the birds were eating. The moment I saw this nearly dead tree providing food for the birds, I felt a sense of hope.

My moments of struggle, the weakness, the circumstances that left me battered seemed to make a little more sense as I realized that growth and fruit bearing occurs in seasons and in the end -  the fruit that is produced is produced in due season for the purpose of nourishing someone other than the plant itself.

Closing my eyes, ducking, & covering my head

I have to admit, I don't like change. I'm the kind of person who enjoys routine...I like to know what to expect and when to expect. When life throws me a curveball, I'd love to say that I have that athletic-type of knee-jerk reaction to jump out and grab it, but unfortunately, my reaction usually resembles that frightened kid who sees the ball coming and closes his eyes, ducks, and covers his head down deep praying that by some miracle he doesn't get hit.

In recent months, there have been a lot of changes in my environment and I don't like them. A dear friend & co-worker is moving away and while I'm happy for her and excited for what her future holds, it changes my environment and the delicate day to day operations of my office. I'm secretly closing my eyes, ducking, and covering my head hoping not to get hit by the change.

My youngest child moved away to go to college in Florida and while I am so proud of his accomplishments and excited to see him pursue his dreams, he's no longer within my reach. He's starting his own life and I am watching from a distance, helpless. I'm secretly closing my eyes, ducking, and covering my head hoping not to get hit by the change.

The government is passing laws right & left that affect my career (I work in insurance), my paycheck, and my personal security as a citizen. I'm secretly closing my eyes, ducking, and covering my head hoping not to get hit by the change.

I watch from a distance as changes happen in environments that I used to be part of. My heart breaks as I see people I love and hold dear affected by changes that they had no part in implementing. I am confused by the standards of leaders and by the impact that their decisions have on sincere, honest people. I'm secretly closing my eyes, ducking, and covering my head hoping not to get hit by the change.

How do I handle it? What can I do?  I am reminded in Hebrews 11:8 -"By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going."  I look up from my cowering stance and open my eyes knowing that I am not in control of the course of the ball coming at me, the only thing that I can control is my reaction to it.